Unspoken thoughts, anguished feelings
by loveonthego
Summary: "If I could just get rid of these feelings, I would. But even with those thoughts in my head, deep inside, I know I can't just give them up. Hey, won't you tell me what's wrong with me? Why I can't be any more than what I am to you now?" Lovino's inner turmoil as he watches the person he cares for the most slowly slips away from his grasp. [one-shot]


**Author's Note**: I haven't written anything in a while. I just hope this one doesn't disappoint the readers.

**Disclaimer:** Hetalia © Himaruya Hidekaz

**Title:** "Unspoken thoughts, anguished feelings"

**Characters/Pairing Involved:** Gilbert Beilschmidt (Prussia) / Lovino Vargas (Romano/ South Italy) ; One-sided PruMano

* * *

_I've always watched you. Always wanted you to notice me. Always… _

Just like any other day, the Vargas brothers were walking out of the dormitory building to head for their respective classes of the day. As usual, Lovino had a scowl on his face as he was forced to start his day listening to his brother ramble about that potato bastard over and over again. What Feliciano sees in that bulk of muscles called Ludwig, he had no idea and he had no plans of knowing. "Ah, Luddy~!" Lovino heard his brother's voice call out from beside him, waving his hands frantically as if his life depended on it. "_Fratello_, will you keep that damn voice of yours down? I'm sure the potato bastard and the rest of the school could hear you loud and clear." The brunette grumbled, running a hand down his face. "_M-Mi dispiace fratello_… I just got a little excited to see Ludwig again." The younger Italian squeaked as he pulled his arms back down to his chest, looking dejected. Lovino rolled his eyes, "A little too excited, you mean. And why would you even be? You see him every day in class and even after class. Heck, you've been talking to him on the phone for hours last night, even!" Feliciano could only look down at his feet as his brother reprimanded him.

_Why do you refuse to look my way? What is it that I'm lacking for you to see how much I yearn for you?_

"Is there any problem?" An all-too familiar—and annoying, in Lovino's opinion—voice suddenly perked the younger Italian up. "Luddy!" Feliciano chirped, automatically attaching himself at the German's arm like a magnet. "Good morning, Feliciano." The blond greeted, looking at the smaller male glued to him as if it was the most normal thing in the world. He then directed his gaze at Lovino right after, without much of a change in his expression, "Good morning, Lovino." The grumpy Italian scoffed and turned away, leaving the two behind, mumbling to himself. "Hmph! Nothing's good in my morning if I see you around." Just then, an attack from behind surprised him as he felt an arm wrap over his shoulders. "_Chigiiiiii!_" Lovino shrieked as his eyes met his perpetrator. When his hazel eyes met a familiar pair of crimson, he realized who it was. "Hey there, Lovino!" The loud albino greeted him, flashing one of his usual grins at him. "Damn it, you asshole, don't scare me like that!" The brunette snarled as he pushed Gilbert off of him, trying to regain his composure. Right, of course Gilbert would be here. Like Lovino and Feliciano, Ludwig usually walks with his brother during the morning as well. "Aww, c'mon now, aren't you happy to see the awesome me? I bet you're feeling lucky now that you're spending your morning with me, kesesese!" Gilbert laughed, messing up Lovino's hair and returning his arm around the Italian's shoulders. Lovino's scowl couldn't have gone worse.

_What else should I do for you to notice me? I'm at my wit's end… You have no idea how much I'd do anything for you… You have no idea how much I think of and care for you…_

Looking behind him, it seemed like Feliciano has decided to take his sweet time flirting with that German bastard again. They were walking a lot slower than him and Gilbert, Feliciano still clinging onto Ludwig's arm and enjoying a conversation together. "I still don't get why you hate my brother that much, you know." Gilbert said out of nowhere, watching as Lovino shot death glares at the blond. "I just do, mind your own business, bastard." The brunette spat out, sending one of his glares at Gilbert's way. The only response he got was a light chuckle and a pat on his head. "Okay, okay, chill." Sometimes, Lovino wondered how he was able to tolerate hanging around Gilbert like this. He was obnoxious, arrogant, and loud. He made Lovino's head hurt just by talking. With a sigh, the Italian crossed his arms over his chest, looking at the albino questioningly. "Why do you keep hanging around me, anyway? You know I'm not going to be all Feliciano-like with you." Gilbert made a face as if he was deep in thought, earning him a punch on the shoulder from the brunette. "Hey!" He gave him a playful pout, rubbing his arm as if it hurt that much. Lovino just glared at him, not giving a damn whether his arm hurt or not—he didn't even punch him that hard! Deciding that he better not anger the already grumpy Italian, Gilbert grinned at him. "D'you really have to ask that? I like your company a lot! And 'sides, you're an important friend. You don't need to be like little Feli either, I like you the way you are!" Lovino stopped in his tracks, staring at the albino in disbelief. Did he really just say all that? Unable to find an appropriate response, Lovino looked away, and scoffed. "W-Whatever, you bastard. As if I'm just going to believe you." He heard Gilbert laugh again, muttering something like "Aww, but it's true~" _Lies. Nothing but fucking lies_. Gritting his teeth, Lovino walked away, leaving Gilbert behind.

_Is it because I'm a guy that you can't turn your attention to me? Is it because I'm too much to handle? Am I really not good enough to earn your affection? Is it really impossible for me to mean something to you as much as you do to me?_

"Hey, Lovino, wait up!" Gilbert called out as he caught up with the brunette. "No need to be upset, you know. I was even praising you." The albino frowned slightly, wondering why the Italian's mood suddenly turned more sour than usual. "I don't need your praises, bastard." Lovino muttered, not even bothering to look at the older male. _Don't say things you don't mean_. "I mean it though." Gilbert went on, trying to get the other's attention. Instead, Lovino snapped at him. "Just shut the hell up, Gilbert!" Doing as he was told, Gilbert—though surprised by the sudden outburst, walked silently behind the now aggravated Italian. "I don't really get why you're so angry though…" He murmured as he watched Lovino's back from behind. He was being difficult again. Gilbert sighed and decided to drop the topic. Usually, Lovino was okay to be with, but there were times that his mood would just go haywire and he just couldn't understand why he was being like that. He just didn't really bother asking him; he wouldn't want to be yelled at any more than usual, after all. Besides, it'll be too troublesome for him.

_If I could just get rid of these feelings, I would. But even with those thoughts in my head, deep inside, I know I can't just give them up. Hey, won't you tell me what's wrong with me? Why I can't be any more than what I am to you now?_

Lovino felt bad. He shouldn't have said those things to Gilbert just now. What was he thinking, yelling at him like that anyway? It's not like he said anything wrong, did he? He wanted to apologize, tell him he wasn't upset, and tell him he was sorry for being so difficult, but he couldn't. Stupid pride. Stupid thoughts that maybe Gilbert was tired of his shit, that maybe he was just saying all those things to him just to make it look like he didn't mind him at all, that maybe he didn't really want anything to do with Lovino anymore. Thinking of all those things made his chest tighten, as if something heavy suddenly landed inside to block his air supply. But what if those thoughts were indeed true? How was he going to cope with the reality that the person he felt so strongly for would rather not have him around anymore? Wanting to clear away these thoughts that continued to haunt him, Lovino turned around. "Hey, Gil—"

…_Why…? Why can't I reach your heart?_

"Eli, wait for me!" There was Gilbert, his back turned to him and rushing towards someone else with that stupid smile on his face again. That smile Lovino loved so much to see. That smile that will never be meant for him. Watching Gilbert's back fade into the distance, Lovino clenched his hands on his side, fighting the tears that had welled up in his eyes.

_Ti amo, you bastard._


End file.
